It is a beautiful day outside and I am in back in the Pit of Despair as I call it, reading long wordy text by social economists which produces a nice sleepy effect.
Had a health issue earlier in the week. Missed a class to go to the UvA doctor. Navigating the Dutch health care system, international student insurance and the Dutchie phone I've been avoiding was worse than the pain which brought me in. I have an ultrasound on Monday for an angry ovary.
Feel I am falling behind already. Got to it this morning after my walk and have now some kind of plan. I may still be behind, but at least I know where. I've x to read, x to write, more x to read and two more x's to write. All by Wed or Thursday. That's just for one class. The other class is easier - no writing until exam time next month. Expect a blog screaming of avoidance and terror.
I took a nice ride on Loretta Martin (the road bike I brought with me) Friday night after my nap, after the trauma of the day. Great ride. I have a routine of taking a walk every morning, 30-90 minutes, and a walk or ride in the evening. master's study is more like being unemployed. I'm on my own, so I have to manage my time, structure it. But there is no rubric against which to objectively measure how well I am doing and my anxiety levels are a poor consultant.
I fantasize about dropping, withdrawing any money I have and hitting the road on Loretta. Biking til I am completely broke but at least I enjoy that time so much more than reading this crap, feeling lost, freaking out that I am light years away from any kind of thesis topic. I read the example papers provided us and think, oh fuck that, I could never write that. Then I recall how many times in the past seven years I opened an assignment, read what was expected, saw someone else's final product and said, oh fuck that, I could never do that. And then amazed at the body of work I ended up producing. Sometimes I look at my old papers and wonder who the fuck wrote that. I know it is just a matter of sinking in to the material, reading, taking notes, saying stuff out loud...and ideas begin to form.
But I would really prefer to be outside playing right now.
I have pictures I've taken here and there, either from rides or just walking around, but to post them, now would mean getting one of my phones and moving shit back and forth and that will distract me for sure. Blogs without pics are pretty boring, I think.
But I just came here to check in.
Just dropped in to see what condition your condition was in. Love ya.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
I'm guessing you've felt these inadequacies before, NOT because your writing or efforts are inadequate, but that we inevitably suffer from the much-discussed IMPOSTER SYNDROME. Screw those perfect papers. There HAD to have been a gazillion (grad school math term, I'm sure) failed attempts, rough drafts, and writing center-redlined versions before they appeared as examples in your instructor's course space. Bah, I say!
ReplyDeleteI've seen your discussion post writing and it's awesome. SO many good things to say, thoughts well-organized, and ideas well-presented. And if that's "just" your discussion posts, I can only imagine that your tidy double-spaced, APA-style, Times New Roman, 12-pt manuscripts are da bomb (grad school linguistics term, I'm sure).
Go get 'em. Loretta's always there for your during your breaks, for transport, and for celebration. She's not going anywhere. (No, wait, she goes everywhere... bad imagery...)
Go get 'em. You know what this is all about. Throw your worst and best at them and see what comes of it.
♥♥♥
Oh, and get well soon! :O
ReplyDelete