Breakthrough

Worked on a paper for my other class last night (Sociological Perspectives). Final paper, 60% of my grade. Due the 27th, 2000-2500 words. Research proposal. Guess what? I had a ton of fun with it. I get to choose any topic, no need to get pre-approval on the topic so long as it incorporates two of the five topics covered in the previous five weeks. I had an idea to start with and as I was compiling the bibliography for it that idea kept changing, as in - getting better and closer to heaven. The topic I am working on is one I have been writing in my head for a couple of years. It has to do with the freeway off-ramp panhandlers that mark the landscape of Seattle. I am writing it as it's relationship to my doxa - the inherent bias formed by one's life experiences coupled by their institutional learning. Doxa is like the water in which a fish swims - they are not aware of it. Pairing freeway panhandlers with my doxa led to a bursting of ideas. I could not write fast enough to capture them. It was like an elaborate opera unfolding. It is the creative flow that made me remember why I love(d) school and these writing assignments.

Switch over to the other coursse and I can now see why I have been such a mess lately. Comparitive Organisations and Labor Studies. Oy. I mean, it's interesting, and I have learned a lot. But most of the course content and the concepts are new to me. Every day it is swallowing more hot food before it has a chance to cool off and then eating some more. Just too much. European labor markets, skill formation schemes. Varieties of capitalism. Liberal market economies versus Coordinated market economies. A lot of shit I just have no background in. So when I try to come up with something for a term paper proposal or worse -- a thesis topic -- then I just go dead inside. I try to fish for some jewel in the rubble, something that I can get excited about spending the next six months focusing on but so far the two ideas I presented were not good enough, were not close enough on track to satisfy the instructor.

I could try to bullshit my way through it like pick anything and just write about it. But that doesnt work for me. Writing about, or researching, homelessness, poverty, the eviction industry, poverty...things related to the underclass and the underground economy -- those things are more my interest and what I read in my spare time, or time away from school. Those are the things that grip and fascinate me and capture my interest time and again. I am having so much fun writing the SP paper that I care not about the grade - I know it will be fine. I have the technicalities of a paper pretty well locked down: formatting, sections, citations, operationalising a a proposal...shit like that. So it is the content where the heart of the paper lies for me. Once I get a topic that I am hot for I am out the chute running and grinning.

So, ok, I probably chose the wrong track for this Masters. I would have been better off in a class, inequality, poverty-type learning track. But it is too late to change. I am already here and two months in so just make the best of it, find little pieces of joy where I can. My next course, to replace the SP class is European Labor Markets. Shit. When I signed up for it I thought I would care about European Labor Markets. But I dont. Yes, I concede that labor markets in EU are relevant to what is going on in the US, and yes, I can still take my MSc degree to the US and get a job working with the underclass -- maybe policy or better yet, a non-profit. I am not an academic, in the sense of studying and writing for the sake of getting published and writing more. I have no ambition to make a name for myself in academia. I like talking with people or more specifically, initiating conversations and sitting back to listen. This is quite easy when dealing with the marginalised, as they are usually lacking for an audience. I'm talking about the guy or gal on the bus talking to themsleves that people try to avoid., THATS the one I sit next to. They usually have a real fucking fresh perspective on what is going on around them.

No class between last Tuesday and I think the 27th. My mood has improved a shit ton already. I like school, and I can deal with difficult text. I just hate GOING to school and I cant even tell you why. I dont know. I just feel better when I am working by myself and my company is strangers I meet while out walking, dogs and cats and birds I meet while out walking, and people at AA and NA meetings. I have nothing in common with the fresh faced youth of Europe out to save the world. I'm past it. I havent the heart to tell them they will not save the world and its unlikely their efforts will make a drop of difference and it doesnt matter if they recycle or not.

I also located a chiropractor that I can afford and is fairly close. I go in tomorrow. Thank the christ. I am so out of alignment that it is also to blame for much of my grouchiness of late. Oh and I located a public pool with a JACUZZI that is a 5-minute bike ride from my apartment. With my student ID it's €37 for ten swims. Yee haw! Hydrotherapy, at long last. Today I go to the UvA doctor to request a referral for Acupuncture so I can hopefully get reimbursed. My insurance will cover €30 per Ac treatment for up to twelve treatments. I found an Ac for €55 a pop. I've been averaging thirty minutes a day stretching and rolling but my body is still completely fucked.

That's the news for today.